


The Settling of Dawn

by Unuora



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Everyone cries and I'm projecting, Everyone is supportive to Yuuri except for Yuuri, M/M, Sorry this is pretty cheesy, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Trans Katsuki Yuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 16:12:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11672586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unuora/pseuds/Unuora
Summary: Katsuki Yuuri is happy, god, happier than ever before, and that just gives the demons even more room to be seen.There are ten million stories of self hatred out there, and Katsuki Yuuri's was no different. Everything is perfect, now. And if she-- yes, she-- disrupts it, then... then....“I think I need to divorce Viktor.”





	The Settling of Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> if i'm entirely honest with you i usually staunchly avoid reading trans fics. but here i am. writing one.
> 
> i read a story of a trans man who married another man when he was still identifying as a woman. when he decided that he couldn't settle living as a woman any longer, he had called up his mother, crying hysterically, telling her how he had to divorce his husband. when he was asked why he said, "he wouldn't love me anymore. he loves me for who i was."  
> it was a story about how transphobia fucks everything up even in the heads of trans people, and i spent a solid two hours sitting on my dorm floor crying over that story and then i wrote this.
> 
> so yes, i'm projecting.

It’s a picture on the table that starts it. It had been bubbling under the surface for years now, this burning question of doubt, but it’s the picture that really starts it.

Yuuri freezes full stop in wandering about the kitchen aimlessly because there’s a photo of Viktor on the kitchen table. He looks so small in it, smiling in the camera at what Yuuri thinks is the juniors’ competition. He has long hair, elegant silver stands that frame his face in delicate flyaways even though it’s tied back. He looks beautiful. But most of all, he looks _feminine._

Viktor had come into the kitchen in the time that Yuuri spent gaping and he snaps Yuuri back to reality with a low laugh.

“Yeah?” Viktor comes up and pulls Yuuri close to his chest. It’s a comfortable gesture that usually puts Yuuri at ease. Yet it makes Yuuri’s body feel alien, now, as if seen from very far away. “Isn’t it such a cute picture? It makes me feel old, though.”

“Oh,” Yuuri says, still kind of reeling. “You had long hair.”

Viktor grins, “I did.”

Viktor doesn’t understand the gravity of this, Yuuri doesn’t even really understand why this is such an impactful thing. They don’t talk about it. Yuuri pretends it didn’t happen.

 

There’s a driver’s license, tucked away somewhere in Yuuri’s belongings because neither Hasetsu nor national skating brings up any real reason to drive. Usually the closest it’s used for is for identification.

There’s an F on that card. F for female. It says _Yuuri Katsuki, Sex: Female, Height: 173 cm, DOB: 29/11/94…_

Yuuri’s never really liked it. It’s been okay. She’s dealt with it. Maybe she doesn’t like it all the time, because it’s just never felt right. But she’s a beautiful skater, she’s an elegant dancer, she’s got a supportive family and a successful life. At least that’s what she’s told. She didn’t believe that before, but she’s figuring it out.

Viktor’s convincing her of it, and that’s the best part.  She has the most beautiful, perfect husband. The man she had been infatuated with since she was a child. She used to see Viktor, flowing, ethereal beauty and imagined skating in his place. She would never have expected to meet him, to seduce him, to fall in love with him. It’s too good to be true.

It’s okay. She’s so, so happy. That picture shouldn’t bother her.

But she remembers herself, mimicking Viktor’s choreography in the dim light of the Ice Castle. In her mind’s eye she could see herself skate in the men’s championship, up against Viktor like she dreamed.  Oh, yes, Yuuri tore through the Japanese ranks and soared to nationals. Yuuri was a gifted skater, beloved, albeit self-conscious, but _talented_. The older she got, the less she could imitate Viktor, though. Where she grew soft and curved, Viktor grew angular and handsome.

Oh, Yuuri will always love Viktor. But she hates her body for being so different, sometimes.

It’s okay. She has a ring on her hand now. Yuuri skates with Viktor now. She has everything she wants.

 

The thing is that Yuuri loves her femininity. She loves the elegance and beauty of skating. She is quiet and humble, and not at all any picture of masculinity. She just sees her body in the mirror and sees something wrong.

Viktor helped Yuuri love herself, sweeping herself off her feet and _making_ her see what Viktor saw. The talented skater. The perceptive and caring lover. The compassionate friend. The dedicated younger sister and loving child. The courageous, competitive, devoted, passionate and unique terror of a force that was able to seduce _Viktor,_ Viktor Nikiforov of all people.

Yuuri loves herself more than she’s ever loved herself before, but… she doesn’t love her body. At least not always.

Of course she remembers Viktor with long hair, his body elegant and feminine for a time before his body changed. She remembers all those hours loving Viktor for everything that he is, but secretly hating him for being what she’s not.

A man.

Well, it goes like that, she supposes.

 

Yuuri doesn’t want to think about it, she had gone so many years without thinking about it, but for some reason it becomes harder to box away and not think about. Viktor and Yuuri get an apartment in Hasetsu and Yuuri’s never been so incredibly, overwhelmingly _happy_ before. But _this,_ well, this bothers her.

She spends more time frustrated with her wardrobe, even more frustrated when she’s forced to buy new clothes. She spends more time crying about it, locking herself in the bathroom to stare at herself and _hate_. She cuts her hair one night in a panic one morning, straight with the scissors, and has to beg her sister to fix it before anyone sees.

“You know,” Mari says, gently, like taming a wild animal. It’s so unlike her it makes Yuuri tense up in fear. “If there’s anything wrong… I’m here to listen.”

“I’m fine,” Yuuri says, trying not to think about how not fine she feels.

Mari is silent for a moment, contemplative, and Yuuri knows she knows something is wrong, but she says nothing. “Tilt your head this way,” is what she says, and guides Yuuri’s head gently forward and begins to cut.

Yuuri has short hair now. She doesn’t know why that makes her feel so much better, but it does.

Viktor loves it, running his hands through it when they lay down for the night.

“You just keep getting more beautiful,” Viktor says into Yuuri’s neck and Yuuri’s not sure what to say to that. Her silence seems to speak louder than anything else, though, because Viktor hums softly. “I know something’s wrong. You can tell me when you’re ready. But I want to be here for you, okay, darling?”

Yuuri cries in Viktor’s arms that night, but she can’t seem to get the words out. She just cries and cries and cries, and the gold ring on her hand seems to burn her with its intensity.

 

She buys men’s clothes and hides them in the back of the dresser. She buys a binder, and puts it on immediately, tearing the box open and locking herself in the bedroom. She only wears it when Viktor isn’t home, in short bursts of time, and yanks it off the moment she hears the front door slam.

Viktor knows. Oh, god, Yuuri knows that Viktor knows there’s something wrong. He’s so good to Yuuri, patient and loving and kind. He’s always full of bright smiles and gentle touches and Yuuri loves him so greatly, so immensely that it aches sometimes.

It’s why Yuuri knows something has to change.  There’s one night where Yuuri and Viktor are kissing on the couch, and Viktor’s hand wanders to her chest.

“You’re so perfect,” Viktor says against Yuuri’s lips, and she has to stop herself from jerking back.  
  
They’ve seen each other naked before, they’ve seen and touched and kissed every inch of each other’s bodies. This is nothing new, and Yuuri has never felt more loved than when Viktor touches her.

But right now, today, in this moment, she just _can’t_. She shoves him away hard, and the expression on Viktor’s face is confusion and then fear and then a crippling wash of concern. It makes Yuuri ache, makes her throat tight while she grapples with words.

“Yuuri? What’s wrong, sweetheart?” When she doesn’t answer, she just curls in on herself as Viktor tries to pull her arms away from where she’s covering her face. “Please, solnyshko, you’re scaring me…”

She wonders how to say it. How does she tell the man she loves that she wants to change her body? Viktor has never stopped saying how much he loves her, her body, the way she looks. Would he still love her? Yuuri knows what Russia is like about things like this, would he even understand? Even if he did, then he would have to say he’s married to a _man_ and…

Yuuri stands up fast, catching a glimpse of Viktor’s face. He looks _devastated_ , and a sob makes its way out of Yuuri’s mouth before she can stop it. She doesn’t know what to say, what to do, so she just runs away.

The way Viktor shouts Yuuri’s name hurts, but not as much as it would hurt if Viktor said it with anger. Never as much as it would hurt if it was said with _disgust_.

 

Yuuri stays with her family that night. Viktor texts her and she just turns her phone off, not knowing what else to do. She sits and cries at the kitchen table with her mother and her sister by her side. The only reason why she tells them is because she doesn’t know what else to do, and because she has nowhere else to go. The words come out all jerky and uncoordinated, because what she’s really concerned about…

“I think I need to divorce Viktor.”

“What?!” Her sister and her mother nearly shout the word in unison, and if Yuuri was feeling less miserable she would’ve found it funny.

“Is he being an ass about it? I swear to god I’ll kill him—“ Mari’s halfway to enraged before Yuuri can get a word in edgewise.

“No, no,” Yuuri’s quick to say, filing away the fact that Mari is apparently unconcerned with the fact that she just told her that Yuuri wants to be a _he_ now. “He’s… perfect. So perfect. That’s… that’s why I can’t do this to him. He’s not gay and he… if I…”

“Oh, Yuuri,” her mother says, softly as she can manage, pulling Yuuri’s hands from her face. “Don’t you see how much Viktor loves you? He wants you to be happy more than anything else. I don’t know how he’ll react at first, but Yuuri… you have to give him a chance.”

She’s still reeling a little bit at the unquestioned acceptance her family had just given her, and suddenly it feels… right to do this. This has been something she’s been denying herself for a long time, and… She stares at the turned off phone in her hands, feeling like a trapped bird with a broken wing.

“You should call him,” her mother says, again the voice of reason, “He’s probably panicking. Just tell him you’re okay.”

Yuuri turns on his phone and there’s some ten missed calls and a dozen some text messages from Viktor. Yuuri grips the phone so hard her knuckles turn white, feeling consumed by equal feelings of fear and love. Oh, she loves Viktor. And he loves her so much. She’s not sure what she’ll do if Viktor can’t accept this.

_Viktor: Yuuri, are you okay?_

_Viktor: Did I do something wrong?_

_Viktor: I don’t want to upset you. Tell me what happened and we can fix it, okay?_

_Viktor: Sweetheart?_

_Viktor: Please just tell me you’re okay_

_Viktor: Are you with your parents?_

_Viktor: Yuuri?_

_Viktor: Love, please just text me. I’m really worried._

_Viktor: I’m just going to leave my phone on, okay?_

_Viktor: I know you’ve been upset lately, I promise whatever it is we can work it out._

_Viktor:  Seeing you this upset is awful. I never want to see you cry._

_Viktor: Whatever I can do to make you smile again I’ll do it._

_Viktor: I’ll always meet you where you are._

 

Yuuri wants to cry when she sees all the text messages, each one feeling like a sucker punch to the gut. She’s hurting Viktor, she realizes, with all her hesitance and panicking. She thought she had been hiding it well, but… maybe she had been ignoring Viktor. Maybe she had been distant. The magnitude of it dawns on her and suddenly all she wants to do is curl up in Viktor’s arms.

_Yuuri: I’m okay. I’m at my parent’s house._

She almost locks her phone to wait for a response but at the last second she changes her mind.

_Yuuri: I love you._

Viktor responds almost instantly. Her phone dings before she can even put it back into her lap. He must have been sitting there waiting. It makes her throat tight.

_Viktor: Can I call you?_

Yuuri hesitates, thumbs hovering over the keys as she grapples with words. She pauses long enough that Viktor sends another text.

_Viktor: I understand if you don’t want to_

_Viktor: But please, sweetheart, I want to hear your voice. I’m so sorry._

There are tears running down Yuuri’s face without her consent, but she barely realizes it, only harshly brushing them away when tears drip onto her phone screen.

_Yuuri: It’s not your fault. You can call._

The phone is ringing in her hand seconds later. Mentally she tries to recite what she’s going to say to Viktor, letting the phone buzz in her palm. _Darling, I’ve decided I’m a man now._  She hits the accept call button.

“Hello?”

There’s a noise that’s full of static, but she can still recognize the scratchy sigh of relief Viktor gives when Yuuri picks up.

“Yuuri,” Viktor says, struggling for a moment for what to say, “We don’t have to talk about it right now. I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I love you so, so much.” Viktor’s voice cracks helplessly on the words, and he has to stop to collect himself. He’s trying to hide it but Yuuri’s known Viktor long enough to know when he’s been crying. “I think I know what’s happening here, but Yuuri… I’ll always love you. Always. I just need you to talk to me.”

“I love you too,” Yuuri says and her voice comes out mangled from crying. She can’t help it. Her mother and sister come over to hug her tightly and she can’t help but feel shocked from all of this. She sees it happening from far away, like it’s happening to another person. She expected such catastrophe, but here she is… “I’m so sorry, Vitya. I’ll come home.”

It’s late but Mari drives her back home. Even though Yuuri has geared herself up into an anxious mess by the time she makes it to the front door, Viktor just curls them into bed and holds her extra tight.

She… scared Viktor, she realized. Because she’s been distant and empty, and because after all this time she shut him out.

“I found your binder,” Viktor says an hour or so into just holding her silently, lovingly; like he’s afraid she’ll disappear. “It’s… it’s okay, my love, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me.”

“Oh,” Yuuri says. She had been so careful… but he had already known and he didn’t say anything. Yuuri doesn’t know how to take that.

“I didn’t want to freak you out,” Viktor says, burying his face against Yuuri’s shoulder. “I knew you hadn’t fully come to terms with it yet and if I pointed it out I was worried I’d upset you more. I wanted you to talk to me about it, but you kept getting further and further away…”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri says, and god, she’s sick of crying. She hates the way her eyes still well up with tears.

“No, no,” Viktor says, pulling away to look Yuuri in the eye. “I just want you to be happy. Am I doing enough? What do you need from me? Why were you so afraid to tell me?”

Yuuri’s eyes drift to the side, visibly nervous. “You’re not… gay.”

Viktor laughs wetly at that, and she’s surprised to see tears welling in Viktor’s eyes as well. “That’s not even an issue, love. I love you. I _adore_ you. Nothing you do will change that, _nothing._ And _certainty_ I won’t stop loving you for being a man. _I want you to be happy_.” Viktor laughs a little, pressing his forehead against Yuuri’s. “Besides, me? Not even a little bit gay? Yuuri, I am a professional figure skater. We’re all at least a little bisexual.”

“I love you,” Yuuri says, leaning forward to kiss Viktor, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” each confession between each kiss. They kiss until words become unnecessary. They kiss until they just end up wrapped in each other’s arms, until they fall asleep that way.

 

Yuuri decides not to change his name. His. He’s still excited to say it, and he’s glad that his name is diverse enough that he can pass without changing his name.  

It takes Viktor a little while, but he seems to enjoy the change. He seems to love calling Yuuri his _husband,_ taking up every opportunity to do so. Viktor is always so full of support and genuine affection and he does everything he can to make Yuuri comfortable. He is always there with gentle reminders not to wear his binder too long, always willing to listen to whatever is bothering Yuuri. To think that Yuuri feared he wouldn’t love him anymore.

The ring on Yuuri’s finger has felt permanent from the moment he put it on, but now he spends a lot of time just staring at it. He feels the press of metal with everything he does. The fact that Yuuri thought that _divorce_ was the only solution to this… He could have lost the best thing that has ever happened to him. The very thought sends a shock of fear through him.

“You’re not upset about any of this?” Yuuri asks timidly after he had brought up the topic of top surgery. He had been contemplating it, but then came in the question of figure skating and…

“Of course not,” Viktor says firmly, “I will always try my hardest for you. I want you to be the happiest you can be.”  Every time Viktor expresses his unwavering support it makes the part of Yuuri that’s wound tight with anxiety relax a little bit.

“… I almost made a huge mistake,” Yuuri admits, moving closer to Viktor so that he can snuggle into his shoulder. “Last year I was so mad at you for not believing in me more, and then I did the same thing to you. God,” Yuuri laughs a little bit, moving even closer. Viktor’s arms go over his shoulders, gentle and comforting.  “I’m sorry, Vitya.”

Viktor huffs out a little laugh, “It’s… okay, my love. It’s a tough lesson to learn.” Viktor is quiet for a moment but seems to mull over his words for a moment. Yuuri makes a questioning noise and Viktor swallows before continuing. “Would you have told me if I didn’t figure it out?”

 _Yes_ is what he wants to say, but he isn’t sure if that is entirely true. “I don’t know,” is what he settles on, carefully watching Viktor’s face. _God,_ he doesn’t deserve such disloyalty. “I’m sorry. You’re so good to me… I was just so scared and I didn’t know what I would do without you.”

“I know,” Viktor says softly, “Russia is… not always kind. I understand the fear, my love.”

“You have never done anything to make me think that you would do that, though. Viktor, I…” Yuuri pulls his hand closer to his chest, feeling the ring on his finger like a brand and an anchor. “I nearly gave your ring back. You deserve so much more than that…”

Viktor makes a noise, though when Yuuri looks up his face is all loving concern and crushing sympathy. He gently unravels Yuuri’s hand from where it’s tucked against his chest and kisses the ring, never looking away from Yuuri’s face.

“But you didn’t. We made it past that and… you just have to trust me to love you in the future. Can you do that?”

“Always,” Yuuri says, a promise, and yanks Viktor down for a kiss. When he pulls back Viktor is looking at Yuuri like he hung the stars. It takes Yuuri’s breath away every time he looks at him like that. “I’m going to spend my whole life trying to prove to you that I love you as much as you deserve.”

A small smile creeps its way onto Viktor’s face, “You’re already there. But I’ll gladly give you the rest of my life to keep reminding me.”

There are a lot of uncertainties in the future. Showing the world that Yuuri is a man means more fearful confessions, the potential of ridicule, and then whatever it means for his profession… but regardless of what happens Viktor will always be by his side.

If there’s one thing that Yuuri’s learned over the years is that _love wins._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. i know this is a weird fic for me to post but... whatever. why not.


End file.
